please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
