Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
