theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
