wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
