i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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