the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
