so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you didnt know i had herpes?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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