The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
