My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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