If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I need water and some morals
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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