It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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