Yo dont text me then not text me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
