if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
