Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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