ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
