my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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