how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
