I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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