Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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