It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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