You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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