How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We were destined to go to rehab together
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
