im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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