Define "chronic" masturbator.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
