Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
