My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize