I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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