sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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