So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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