im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
