the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
