I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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