my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize