I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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