there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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