So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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