Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
