I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
