I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
