I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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