that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
why do cheetos always look like penises
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
