WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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