yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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