They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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