My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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