I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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