just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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