You're completely useless in the revolution.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
