I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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