3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
