I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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