Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
