She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
