I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
