I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
