This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
