just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
