Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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