Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
