I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
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