Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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