i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
