I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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