I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
