im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
