Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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