Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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