I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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